Confessions of Yuffie Kisaragi
by vinnie2757
Summary: FF7 done from Yuff's PoV in the style of Georgia Nicholson. The geeism's won't be perfect, just so you know. T for now, but may be changed. Also some Yuffentine, CloTi and Cid/Shera as well as Valencia.
1. Nunga Nunga Attack!

Confessions of Yuffie Kisaragi: A Final Fantasy VII Novelisation

**Confessions of Yuffie Kisaragi: A Final Fantasy VII Novelisation**

If you've heard of Georgia Nicholson, you'll be able to figure this one out. Final Fantasy VII done from Yuffie's P.O.V. in the style of Louise Rennison. I found one like this, but I can't find it ANYWHERE now. Hello to you if you wrote that! And thanks for giving me the idea! Lol.

This chapter is just a default, by the way. And I wrote it listening to the music of ff7 too. How sad am I? Beware – I don't have the books in front of me. I only have my bestie's fanficitons **Gird Your Nungas and Prepare for Battle!** and **Vegetables, Roller-skating and Dave the Laugh**. Beware crappiness. I'm getting it read, though, so you have been warned!

A capparwire is a weird enemy thing you find in the Junon area. It looks like a brown mouth with brown legs and two green ivy things coming out the top. Its weird but fitted for the area and as a substitute for a badger.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Final Fantasy 7, its character, locations, affiliates or music, nor do I own Georgia Nicholson. They are the properties of Square Enix and Louise Rennison respectively.

**Nunga-nunga Attack!**

**Thursday August 12th**

**9:05am**

This has got to be the height of boredomosity.

**1 minute later**

Still boring.

**30 seconds later**

I may die of boredomosity soon. Who knew taking down a tent would be this boring? Though, it's easier to take down than up.

**Ten minutes later**

Sure beats listening to my dear Vati Godo though. Whining on and on and on about his castle. He is the height of selfishnosity.

**1 minute later**

Aha! The tent is down! I threw a tonberry at it.

**30 seconds later**

Maybe that wasn't a good idea.

**15 minutes later**

The red-faced loon look is so fetching in the elderly mad and the jelloid people with fat coming out of their shoes and a hundred chins. Erlack, I creeped myself out. I, however, do not like sporting this look.

**9:43am**

I have found camp again.

**1 minute later**

Phew. My materia's safe. Nyuk nyuk nyuk. I wouldn't be the Great Ninja Yuffie if I didn't have my materia. Well, I would, but materia makes me me, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

**30 seconds later**

Bloody capparwire hole!

**2 minute later**

I may have broken my bottom.

**5 minutes later**

And now a chocobo's licking my hair.

**7 minutes later**

Ooh, people alert! People alert!

I said, "Shoo, chocobo! Go away!"

But it didn't listen to me. I may have to follow them. Just to see if they have materia. Because if they do, I will have to steal it. Such is the way of life. For the greater good and all.

**4 minutes later**

The tent wouldn't go into its stupid bag thing, but I managed to make a really cool bundle thing in about three minutes flat.

**14 minutes later**

He has got the BIGGEST hair known to mankind. And that's saying something. Stupid blond jerk. He's kind of groovy-looking actually. All yellow and silver and a cool puply-black colour. He is coolinosity personified.

**30 seconds later**

Oooh, materia… Erlack, I've just drooled all over my vest. Ho hum, pig's bum, it was dirty anyway.

**6 minutes later**

Again with the bloody Capparwire holes! I have landed on my face in the mud right in front of them. And I still look like a red-faced loon on loon tablets with drool on my vest.

The brunette on the guy's right bent over to help me up. Aaaaah, nunga-nunga attack! I rolled away and got to my feet, only to fall over again. That'll teach me to act fancy.

The nunga-nunga woman said, "Are you all right?"

I said, "Peachy. I'm gunna fight you!"

They laughed. How dare they? At me! They were laughing at me!

I said that. I said, "How dare you laugh at me?"

The fabby-looking blond tipped his head to one side like a confused puppy and said, "You want to fight us?"

I nodded like a nodding thing and scrambled to my feet again. Ouch, ouch, bugger, bugger, ouch, bugger, owwww… my bottom is definitely broken. "You gunna hit me or what?"

A small half-smile pulled his lips up. It was vair vair fabby, I have to say. So much so I nearly lost my concentration when he came at me with a really big sword. I wonder if he's compen-watsit for something. Nyuknyuknyuknyukynyuknyuknyuk… Shutupshutupshutup!

**Half an hour later**

I am so embarrassed. I have lost at the hands of someone with nunga-nungas big enough for both of us. Not to mention being beaten by a cat. Ack, I feel betrayed. I glared at my Conformer. My losing was its fault, I tell you. It's all my shuriken's fault! If they turn away from me, I'm going to steal some of their money. And materia. Mainly materia. Mwahahahahahaha.

**30 seconds later**

I may have to live in a Loony Bin if I keep up this evil-laughy-hand-rubby-thing much longer.

**1 minute later**

The fabby blond guy came over to me and looked down his nose at me. Not in a I'm-better-than-you way, in a you're-below-me-on-ground-so-I-have-to kind of way. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

I said, "You spikey headed jerk! One more time, let's go one more time."

He paused, looked at the nunga-nunga woman and then said, "not interested."

Not interested? Not interested?! Egad, he's horrible.

I said, on a spur of the moment inner-laughing-spaz, "you're pretty scared of me, huh?"

He didn't look scared, even though he said, "…Petrified."

Well, I'm not standing for that. I got to my feet and walked off. When I didn't hear them following, I turned and said, "I'm really gonna leave. REALLY!"

Mr. Petrified said, "Wait a second."

Heh heh. I said, with all sincerity, "You want me to go with you?"

He said, "that's right."

I grinned, my nose spreading all over my face. I hate my dad. He gave me a big conk. "All right! I'll go with you."

He said, "let's hurry on."

And then left the clearing with the nunga-nunga woman and the kittykat right behind him like little lapdogs. Hahahah, the kittykat's a poodle!

**30 seconds later**

I might want to follow them.

-X-

I know it's not perfect Georgiaisms, but bear with me.


	2. It Isnt Funny, No Matter What They Think

**Confessions of Yuffie Kisaragi**

Woot! After the not-so-big-success of the first chapter, I have decided to continue. Hahahahah. I **know** nyuk nyuk nyuk is not a geeism – it is a Yuffieism. Also, I have put Froggie in it. Like Trés Amusante and ignorez-vous and stuff like that. And a little German (I think she says Nein someplace…) More gee-ish that way.

**Disclaimer**: do I look like I own it?

**It Isn't Funny, No Matter How Much They Think It Is**

**Friday August 13****th** (Oo-er)

**6:27am**

The Big G needs to be shot.

**30 seconds later**

The sun is far too bright. And no, I'm not a vampire. I don't like those sad goths who are all into black leather bondage stuff and are too hot to live. It's vair depressing.

**Two minutes later**

The poodle's come to wake me up. How lovely.

**Five minutes later**

Perhaps kicking him in the face wasn't a great way to make friends with these weirdoes. Trés Amusante though. His face was priceless.

**2 minutes later**

Now Pinkie's come to moan at me.

She said, "Yuffie, if you're going to travel with us, you've got to get up in the morning and be nice to everyone else."

Morning? Half six? Is she barmy? It's the middle of the night. Oh, sleep, how I miss you.

**7:15am**

Okay, I'm up now.

**1 minute later**

I miss my bed already.

**30 seconds later**

Well, sleeping bag. Not that it was much good. It was a bit naff actually. It was all knobbly and blue. Like the sea. Ooh, sea. Seasickness. Not good!

**7 minutes later**

Phew, I'm calm now. I don't think we've got to go on a boat. Where's the fabby blond? I'll see what he knows.

I said, "Cloud! Do we have to go on a boat?" Because that's his name. Cloud, I mean, not boat. That would just be silly, not that Cloud isn't silly, but it's fabby at the same time. Shutupshutupshutup!

He said, "I think so. Why?"

I said, "Oh, no reason!" I said it in a cheery way, but not in a Yuffie-cheery way, more in a fake-cheery way, like a bitch.

**30 seconds later**

Does Cloud think I'm a bitch?

**1 minute later**

I need to know.

I said, "Teef, does Cloud think I'm a bitch?"

She said, kindness at all times, "No, but I will if you don't help me take down these tents."

I like Tifa, even though her nungas are big enough for both of us. She's all kick-ass and mumish at the same time. Like what my Mutti would be. If I had one. Which I don't.

**2 minutes later**

Now I'm blubbing. Great.

**30 seconds later**

Tifa and Aerith are all mumish and sshhhing me and it's only making it worse.

I said that. I said, "You're only baking it burse."

Aerith said, "Don't be silly."

Teef backed off, though. That's why I like her. She backs off when she's supposed to. Teef, hehehehe. Makes her sound like a giant tushy peg.

Aerith said, "there, see? There's nothing wrong is there?"

Dream on, Pinkie.

**On the Road of Misfortune**

**In a ditch**

**8:59am**

This is payback, isn't it, Big G? For me hating the sun? That's why you've made me fall over a log and land in a ditch.

**1 minute later**

It isn't funny, no matter how much they might think it is.

**30 seconds later**

Tifa has joined me in this ditch. She was laughing so hard she fell in.

**1 minute later**

Ow, those nunga-nungas of Teef's weigh a ton.

I said, "Are you going to get off me any time soon?"

She just shook her head. That is the sadinosity of life.

**2 minutes later**

How can she carry those things round with her? I can barely breathe!

I said, with full frontal sweetosity, "Teef, will you please move your gigantibus nungas so I can breathe in the wonderful air of dirt?"

And she glared at me like it was all my fault. Such is the selfishiosty of so-called grown-ups. Because she is one.

**30 seconds later**

I should be glad it wasn't Bazza who fell in the hole with me, because then I would be dead, he is so jelloid.

**1 minute later**

Jelloid in a Mr. T muscly way.

**30 seconds later**

Not in a fat way. Because then he wouldn't be able to move. And that would be vair depressing.

**Ten minutes later**

I am out of the ditch, but I had to shove Tifa up first. My arms are aching like billio from heave-hoing her up the side. And it wasn't easy either. It was all muddy and I fell over a lot. I am now covered in mud and I haven't even had brekkie yet.

**9:15am**

Ooh, I need Jammy Dodgers. Have I got any left?

**9:16am**

Score! A whole packet. Yum yum.

**9:18am**

Aerith said, "Have you had breakfast yet?"

I said, "Nein." And I spat Jammy Dodger crumbs everywhere.

She gave me a mumishly disapproving look, but I ignorez-voused her and jogged to catch up to Cloud.

**A forest someplace**

Have we gone in a circle? This blob of green looks familiar.

I swallowed my Jammy Dodger and asked.

Cloud stopped and looked around. Then he said, "I don't know."

Brillo Pads. We are lost in the wilderness. Even Red XIII looks confused. Poor poodle.

**10:10am**

Civilisation! How I love you!

**10:11am**

I take that back. This place has lots and lots of PANTS…boats…

**3 minutes later**

And we're going on one?! I hate you, Clud. I am officially ignorez-vousing him, but he doesn't pay any attention to me, so he can't really notice. Ho hum, pig's bum, was ist der Point?

**3 minutes later**

I'm going to hide below deck when we go.

**30 seconds later**

Because I hate boats. They make me sick.

**1 minute later**

Before that though, I have materia-hunting to do.

**On the Sea of Life**

**The crack of noon**

I hate you Leviathan! You created the sea to spite me!

**30 seconds later**

Bloody karma. Rock the boat some more, why don't you.

**1 minute later**

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Bazza's in a sailor suit! If I weren't being sick, I would take the Mickey out of him.

**2 minutes later**

Wait, who's Mickey?

-X-

Chappie 2 end. It is supposed to be Clud at 10:14 am. As in, Lonely as a Clud.


	3. 2 Burgers, a Hotdog and Lots of Mustard

Confessions of Yuffie Kisaragi

**Confessions of Yuffie Kisaragi**

**This chapter was SOOOOOOO hard to write. Thanks to the Tramp, as always.**

Two Burgers, a Hotdog and Lots and Lots of MustardCoast of Dilemma, more commonly known as Costa del Sol

**Saturday August 14****th**

**3:12pm**

They always say thirteen's an unlucky number.

**30 seconds later**

I wish they'd told me what the bloody hell that thing was though.

**I minute later**

Maybe the poodle knows.

**5 minutes later**

Ah, found him hiding in the shade of a building. Like a chicken-wuss. Nyuk nyuk nyuk, the poodle's a chicken!

I said, "Red, can you tell me something?"

He opened one eye, well, he could only open one eye, the other was scarred shut (there was a big red line on it that wasn't make-up) so he only had one eye to open… shutupshutupshutupshutup.

He said, "If I can help you, I will."

I carried on, "What was that thing?"

"A Jenova Incarnation."

A what? I said that. I said, "What in the name of Da Chao's soiled nappy are you on about?"

He frowned and then said, "The man in the black coat." I nodded in what I like to think was a wise-woman of the forest kind of way. "He's the bad guy."

I said, "So _that's_ why he's a trans-watsit." The guys who dress up like girls, because let's face it; he was a guy trying to be a girl. His hair was longer than Tushy Peg's!

He gave me a weird look, then said, "The creature we fought was his mother."

I laughed, and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you said it was his Mutti."

He looked at me like I was _vair vair _dim. Which I probably am. I haven't had any Pop Tarts recently. They boost your brainpower. No, wait, that's fish. He said, "I did. It wasn't his mother directly; Cloud explained it to us before we met you. He told us that Jenova – that's the blob's name – was in the ShinRa building in Midgar. What we fought was an incarnation." I must have looked confused, because then he said, "Jesus – the son of God – is an incarnation of God."

Oh, good point, well made. Sort of. I said, "So the thing is his sister?"

Red XIII put his head on the floor and didn't answer me. That is so rude. He's _vair_ selfish, just like the rest of the so-called grown-ups.

**The Inn**

**3:31pm**

I want a full-frontal sex-kitty look, but with lots of glaciosity and maturiosty.

**2 minutes later**

So do I wear the bikini or the swimsuit?

**1 minute later**

Tifa's wearing a bikini.

**1 minute later**

And Pinkie's wearing a swimsuit.

**5 minutes later**

So what do I wear?

**30 seconds later**

Because if I wear the bikini, I'll draw everyone's attention to Tifa's huge nungas.

**1 minute later**

But if I wear the swimsuit, it'll show off the fact that I have no nungas of my own.

**2 minutes later**

I'll wear the bikini.

**1 minute later**

Swimsuit.

**1 minute later**

Bikini. It's decided. I don't care about what the Blunder Boys on the beach think. Tifa isn't easy.

**5 minutes later**

At least, I hope not. But then she does love Chocobo-butt, so you never know.

**1 minute later**

Maybe if I put a T-shirt over the top.

**1 minute later**

Or not. I look like a five-year-old. Not like a sex-kitty.

**10 minutes later**

I am staying in my ordinary clothes. It makes my life easier.

**Sunbathing**

It's so bloody hot!

**Half an hour later**

You know it's too hot when you have a hallucinawatsit about a bird fanning itself with its wing to keep cool.

Tifa said, "Can you see that bird fanning itself?"

**30 seconds later**

At least I am not alone in the Loony Bin. Though I may have to kill her if she doesn't ask Spike out soon. He is _vair vair_ gorgey, so if she doesn't want to become his official snogging partner, I may have to.

**Still sunbathing**

**5:06pm**

Some guy called Fat Bob has put on a free for all barbeque.

**4 minutes later**

If I could be bothered to get up, I would go get some food.

**30 seconds later**

Because I haven't eaten since the crack of dawn this morning, so I might waste away.

**1 minute later**

The marshmallow might say I was doing the world a favour.

**2 minutes later**

But what do grown-ups know?

**7 minutes later**

I love you, Aerith! And I mean that in a non-lezzy way, of course. Two hamburgers, a hotdog and lots and lots of mustard. Yum yum.

**2 minutes later**

I asked in a very attractive way (not), "why did you get me this?"

To which she replied, "because you eat too much."

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Dream on, Pinkie.

**Sunday August 15****th**

**The crack of 8am**

Urgh, I feel horrible.

**2 minutes later**

I wonder if the gang will let me stay in bed.

**30 seconds later**

The painters aren't in, so it can't be that pain.

**5 minutes later**

So why does it hurt?

**1 minute later**

That's it! Pinkie gave me mouldy burgers, I bet you anything.

**10 minutes later**

So that's what food looks like when its been in your belly.

**5 minutes later**

Erlack. It's vair vair pingy-pongoes.

**8:43am**

Tifa shouted, "Yuffie, are you up yet?"

I shouted back. "I'm dead, can I take a message?"

But she didn't get it. Such is the sadinosity of my life.

**Breakfast**

**Half an hour later**

Oh, I so didn't need to see that.

**30 seconds later**

Marshmallow looks bad enough fully dressed.

**1 minute later**

Someone as sensitive as moi should not be subjected to this kind of abuse.

**2 minutes later**

I would ring a childline if I knew one.

**3 minutes later**

He's got a small badger on his chin too.

**9 minutes later**

Pinkie looks perfect.

**30 seconds later**

As usual.

**2 minutes later**

Unlike me, Teef and Cloud, who all look vair vair tired.

**1 minute later**

Because we are. No one slept last night.

**On the road of life**

**10:37am**

We have been removed from the Coast of Dilemma by the mayor.

**30 seconds later**

I said, "It wasn't my fault that Fat Bob geezer made mouldy burgers."

Aerith said, "They weren't. It was the amount of mustard you put on them that made you ill."

I can't believe that! It is unbelievable, that is why. How can she say that mustard made me ill? I said, "It was the burgers, and you know it."

Barret said, "shut up."

**1 minute later**

Just like all grown-ups, he is so rude. I wonder if we'll meet anybody interesting. Between Tifa and Aerith, I have found myself lost. I need to find my inner dolphin and my centre…or something…

**5 minutes later**

Bloody chocobo! What is so amazing about my hair? I smelt it. Erlack, it stinks! I need a bath.

**Lunchtime**

**In a lake**

Is anybody watching me? Great, now I'm all paranoid, swimming in my nuddy-pants. If I was in a city, it have paedo-thingies all over me.

**30 seconds later**

Because I'm underage, not a sex-kitty.

**4 minutes later**

That's what Red told me anyway.

**2 minutes later**

But what does he know? He was eating a bird earlier. And he's a cat.

**In some wood someplace**

**9:15pm**

Oh joy unbounded, I've got first watch!

**2 minutes later**

I wonder if some giant snake thing will come and eat us?

**30 seconds later**

I am now holding Cloud's compens-watsit, even though I can barely hold it.

**3 minutes later**

How much is he compensating for with this thing? It weighs more than me! Boys are a mystery, so I'll never know.

**2 minutes later**

The bushes are rustling.

**30 seconds later**

How is anybody supposed to sleep with all this noise?

**1 minute later**

Where are we anyway? Everything looks the same when you do some mad-dancing in the middle of nowhere. Because that's what I did. I did mad dancing in the middle of nowhere to get rid of my boring boredom.

**4 minutes later**

I got some strange looks, like I was vair vair crazy.

**7 minutes later**

I probably am.

**2 minutes later**

But what do you expect? I am the Great Ninja Yuffie Kisaragi, the Single White Rose of Wutai, the Awesome-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

-X-

That end bit is because I can't actually remember her full title.


	4. I Would Have Biffed Her

Confessions of Yuffie Kisaragi Confessions of Yuffie Kisaragi

**YOSH! I'm not dead!**

**Okay, so I have no idea what's going to happen in this chapter. Enjoy it anyway! I know I've made Aerith seem a bit OOC in this, but she's the Jazzy-Spazzy, so she had to be the more serious. Besides, it adds a comedy factor…I think… Oh, and this chappie is dedicated to building on Red and Yuffie's relationship. Because combined with Vince, they make an awesome team in the absence of Cid.**

**Like, WHOA! I just read the like first three sentences of **_**The Materia Hunter**_** by Drywater only to find she had the exact same team I did when Yuff got picked up. Man, great minds think alike!**

**I would have biffed her**

**Tuesday August 17****th**

**9:18am**

Merde. That was hard.

**30 seconds later**

Honestly. I never thought I would be made to watsit – freefall down a train track.

**1 minute later**

How could Tifa push me first? She hates me, I swear.

**2 minutes later**

THREE TIMES!

**4 minutes later**

I fell through the track three times, and I got nothing out of it. Pinkie's being all swotty because she can learn new spells.

**30 seconds later**

It's all to impress Cloud, I bet you.

**1 minute later**

And Bazza got a new gun arm.

**2 minutes later**

It's actually interesting seeing him without a gun on his arm. It's all bandaged up and short and stuff. Because he only has half an arm. One day I'll ask him what happened.

**4 minutes later**

I can't believe I didn't get anything out of it! It is unbelievable, that is why.

**30 seconds later**

SCORE! Transform materia! That is mine!

**5 minutes later**

I hate the poodle. He stole the materia off me.

I said, "I am the Great Ninja Yuffie! Part of being a ninja is to collect materia and transform things into other things."

He said, "You're making that up."

I glared at him and said, "No I'm not. That's what Godo sent me out to do. Because he's a crap Vati."

Cloud looked at me. "Godo? Isn't he the Lord of Wutai?"

Bullocks.

**North Corel**

**12:15pm**

Wow, this place is an AVALANCHE! (get it?) No, seriously, it looks like Sephiroth's been through here.

Barret said, "He did. Well, SOLDIER did."

Cloud turned away.

**30 seconds later**

Am I missing something?

**Half an hour later**

Giddy God's pyjamas, and I thought _I_ was hated. I've never seen so many people hate one guy. Oh God, the marshmallow's going to cry. I can see him blubbing by himself. I guess that was where his house was.

**10 minutes later**

I found Tifa browsing through the crappio selection of weapons. I think she's found some new gloves, but I don't know.

I said, "Tifa, what happened with Barret?"

She said, "Oh, you're using our proper names now?"

She is so helpful. Not. I ignorez-voused her and said, "Teef, I'm being serious! He's all blubbing and upset and I don't know what's happened and I want to help!"

Because we all know I've got to be fwiends with these people to steal their materia. I hate being a bitch, but I've got to do this. For my Mutti, if no one else.

**1 minute later**

The nub and gist of it is that SOLDIER came and wrecked everything. That was all Tifa knew. Those were almost her words. Almost, but not quite. She said it in some wise-woman-of-the-forest kind of way, which I had to translate, using my totally awesome ninja skillz.

**4 minutes later**

Yes, yes and trés times Yes! I have a new shuriken. Aerith said my old one wasn't helping them destroy the monsters and convinced Cloud to get me a new one, as I had so nicely got the items off the tracks for them.

I said, "I luuuuurve you, Aerith."

She said, "Get off."

And shoved me in a puddle.

**2 minutes later**

Where did that puddle come from? Big G's in a humpty with me. I can't see any other puddles around. Ho hum, pig's bum. Such is life.

**3:15pm**

Urgh, ropeways must die.

**1 minute later**

Cor, how big is this place?

**30 seconds later**

I said, "s'laters."

Tifa looked at me and said, "And where do you think you're going?"

I smiled (tongue-behind teeth. I must keep up my sex-kitty looks, even for this bunch.) and said, "To the Battle Arena. I need some fun."

And the Portly One started raving like a lunatic. Which he is. A lunatic, I mean, not a…Never mind. He shouted, "Go and have fun, you idiots! 'Snot like we haven't got a mass-murderer to find!"

**1 minute later**

I ignorez-voused him.

**30 seconds later**

He said 'snot'. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

**On my way to the Battle Arena**

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

**3 minutes later**

That slide-ride was funosity personified.

**1 minute later**

I'm not the only person screaming like a loon on loon tablets as they go down. Thank our Lord Sandra. Anywho, best go sign up or I'll never get to kick butt.

**10 minutes later**

Aha! There you are, you evil kiosk woman. She eyed me up in a seeing-eye-dog way, except not as cute. She looked like an octopus.

"Name?"

Stupid Octopussy. Shut up, fugly. Because she was. Fugly, I mean.

"Yuffie Kisaragi, the White Rose of Wutai, Ninja –

"Brat it is."

But she wrote Kisragi, Yuffie on the slip, so she didn't write brat...

**1 minute later**

She spelt my name wrong!

**30 seconds later**

I would have biffed her if I hadn't heard a horrible screeching noise. You know, like when you're suffering the heights of boredomosity that is school and you run your fingers down the table real sharp like so it squeaks?

**1 minute later**

I think my ear may be bleeding. Who the billio was that?

**2 minutes later**

I said, "Hello, Red. 'Tis a mighty fine evening."

But he didn't get it. He just looked at me funny and then said, "Cloud asked me to keep an eye on you."

I said, "I am ashamed! What am I going to do? Steal everybody's everything?"

Everything went quiet, till Octopussy said, "is your pet going to fight with you too?"

**In the Prep-area**

**10 minutes later**

I would have biffed her if Red hadn't done it first. I cheered him on all the time and was still cheering as we made our way to the prep-area for pre-battlers. I sat down on the bench, and jumped about fifty miles when Red rested his head on my lap, his good eye shut peacefully. He didn't have any trouble finding his inner dolphin.

**1 minute later**

It is quite nice to pet a cat who's almost as big as you and get a funny feeling in your leg when he purrs.

**5 minutes later**

Actually, it's not all that nice. It kind of feels like my PHS is vibrating. And he drools.

**2 minutes later**

How can he sleep? At a time like this, when I'm fretting over how many asses I'll kick? He can sleep!

**30 seconds later**

I'm so tired.

Red said, as though he read my mind (scary potatoes!) "You should spend some time in your room after these battles, Yuffie. You will hinder the group's progress if you are tired."

I said, "Can you read my mind?"

He said, "No, you have bags the size of Mount Nibel under your eyes and you yawn every thirty three seconds."

I said, "But who's counting?"

He didn't get it.

**Mine, Teef's and Pinkie's room**

**7:23pm**

Typico. Aerith's glomped Cloud into taking her round Gold Saucer, Tifa's treating Red some place far far away and Barret's still sulking. So I'm all aloney on my owney.

**1 minute later**

Doing some ad-hoc mad dancing to release some pent up energy.

**12 and a half minutes later**

Ouch bugger ouch bugger bugger ouch ouch.

**30 seconds later**

I am going to eat Aerith's hairbrush I think.

**3 minutes later**

How do they make their hair so nice and shiny?

**2 minutes later**

Aerith uses a generic hair shampoo….and Tifa doesn't use any that I can find.

**5 minutes later**

Hmmm….

**In the Shower**

**7:42pm**

Generic hair shampoo Godo's big belly.

**30 seconds later**

My hair now stinks of TREsame, or whatever that 'professional, affordable' bullocks is.

**10 minutes later**

Professional, my left foot. I look like a grease-stain.

**30 seconds later**

Only someone who slept in a coffin for thirty years could have worse hair than me.

**5 minutes later**

But why would anyone sleep in a coffin for thirty years? I'd only do it if some mad scientist-type with a big forehead turned me into a weirdo.

**2 minutes later**

But then again, I'd be out there terror-watsiting the locals.

**Same bat time, same bat place**

**Half an hour later**

"What?!"

What?

**Outside my room**

Oh, I see. Tifa got caught stealing things.

**2 minutes later**

Don't blame it on me, you silly old bat!

I shouted, "I didn't do anything!"

But the authority-types didn't listen to me.

**1 minute later**

**Running for my life**

I am _so_ not getting the blame for this.

**30 seconds later**

Double poo. And _merde_. They found me.

There I was, hiding behind a gravestone (who puts gravestones in the courtyard of a hotel? Honestly. These Elderly Loons are just that) when this hand comes out of nowhere and grabs me!

**9:21pm**

**Outside Battle Square**

I might be a ninja, but I did NOT kill all these people.

**1 minute later**

I did duff him up though.

**42 minutes later**

Cloud is trying to explain what is going on to this muscly-guy in a thong. Erlack-a-pongoes, what weirdo wears a thong? Seriously?

**30 seconds later**

We are now officially being arrested. For something we didn't do.

**In jail**

**15 minutes later**

Typico.

-X-

**Chappie four end. Sooooo hard to write. I gave up in the end. And this is all you get.**


End file.
